I have a confession to make: I’m not handling this whole isolation thing well.
For one of the first times in my life, I am unmotivated to do much of anything. I find myself sitting in silence, looking out the window. It’s been hard to get out of bed in the mornings. I’ve been drinking an extra nip of Scotch to sleep at night. Rinse, repeat.
Aside from all the obvious reasons for feeling down during an otherwise lovely spring, our old man cat Ragnar, a/k/a Big Row, is dying. He was old and decrepit when we took him in 18 months ago, but now it seems his time is ebbing away faster every day. It’s been a decade since I’ve lost a cat, and it won’t be another after we lose him; our sister cats, Giblet and Harlequin, turn 13 this month.
Yeah, yeah, it’s just a cat, I hear you. And you’re right. Some of you reading this have relatives or friends in the hospital. A few of you may even have lost someone. Not to mention all the other assorted horrors that happen to half the world on a daily basis. But still. He is my friend. And I love him.
Even feeling as I do, my Yankee upbringing won’t allow me to sit idle for too long; I can thank my mother for that one. She’s from New England, but I am from New Jersey. I tell you this because whenever despair grips me, whenever I want to bawl my eyes out and dig a hole to lie in, I make red sauce. Old school, New Jersey Italian red sauce.
No, I am not Italian, but most of my friends were growing up, and even mom made a damn good red sauce. I’ve made mine for going on 35 years, and not always when I am down. But I’ve never written the recipe anywhere. That’s because there isn’t one.
I make this sauce without thought. The motions, the sounds, the smells and flavors of it are all imprinted on me. It has, over the decades, become an instinctual sauce, as much a part of me as the click in my left wrist — a lingering reminder of that day it shattered on the ice, so many years ago.
My sauce sits, simmering slowly, as I write this. Bill Evans is playing on the stereo. I always find him sad and soothing at the same time. His piano helps me grieve, helps me endure. The aroma of tomatoes and red wine, oregano and garlic and meat have begun to permeate the house.
This sauce is not a quick one. It starts its life as a soup, and simmers down into the sort of intense pasta sauce the Italians call either sugo or ragu, depending on which Italian you happen to be talking to. It always starts with olive oil and ground meat. Historically beef and pork, but now always ground game. Today it’s venison.
Sometimes a little cured ham finds its way in, sometimes pork “country ribs,” which are really just strips of shoulder. Today there’s a bit of ham I made from a javelina’s hind leg. It’ll do.
After the meat sears, in goes a minced onion, maybe two. I know to move to the next step when the timbre of the sizzle rises. A low sizzle means there’s still lots of water in the mix. A higher tone means the meat and onion are finally browning. I stir well, then let it all happen again. Always a flat-edged, wooden spoon to scrape the pot with. Always.
At some point, I decide to toss in thyme, minced garlic — I am almost to the end of last year’s garlic harvest, alas — a handful of bay leaves, a pinch of red pepper, and rather a lot of oregano from the garden. I dry it as whole leaves, crushing them between my palms over the steaming pot. The aroma calms me.
Another stir, then in goes at least half a bottle of red wine. Nothing as precious as the 2001 Barbera we plan on drinking tonight (tough times require good wine), but a drinkable bottle nonetheless. I let this roll until it reduces. If I happen to have any red vermouth or brandy, I add a shot to the pot.
A can of tomato paste. Sometimes two. It gets mixed in, and finally the pot begins to look like red sauce. I save the can and add some homemade stock to it, cleaning the inside to get all the tomato goodness out. In it goes, along with a full quart of the stock, as well as fire-roasted tomato puree from last summer’s garden tomatoes.
And now, we wait.
When I am tired, I simply cook dried pasta from the store. But today I needed something to take my mind off the world. So I made the pasta. Just flour, and lots of eggs. Pasta-making, for me, has always had a zen-like quality to it. It cannot be rushed, and it requires a quiet mind, a touch of care, and love.
I like to make the pasta shortly before eating it, so it barely has time to dry out. Tossed into a cauldron of boiling water so salty it tastes like the ocean, it will cook in less than a few minutes.
Finishing this dish is as automatic as making it. Pasta goes into a huge, wide steel bowl, along with a ladle of sauce. Toss. Grab with tongs, plate with a twist of the wrist. Grate as much Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese as you like over it all. Eat. Drink red wine. Repeat.
Ragnar the Cat has curled into a ball in the corner. His breathing is slow, labored. Will this be the night? Can the news on the radio be any worse? Will I get a call that a friend, or a family member, has fallen ill? All of that may happen. Some of it definitely will.
I wish I could say that making this sauce, this pasta, this meal, has healed me. I can’t. To do so would be a lie. But it’s better than nothing. And it’s what I can do today.
POSTSCRIPT: Ragnar, Big Row, a/k/a Big Handsome, died on April 2 at about 11:10 a.m. We don’t know how old he was, but we think about 14. He came into our life 18 months ago, starving and abandoned. We took him in and he stole our hearts. By far the most affectionate cat I’ve ever lived with. We are left feeling empty, wondering about the life he had before us and what he was like in his prime, which we never got to see. I miss his big saber teeth, his giant paws, his gloriously floofy tail. But most of all I miss him sitting on my lap, purring for hours. He was a sweet boy. My heart is broken.
The Quarantine Chronicles
Eat Your Lawn
The best place to find edible wild plants might be no further than your own yard.
Making Stew with What You Have
Sometimes you have to make substitutions these days, and there is no better place to freestyle than in the stewpot. Here’s how to build a better stew.
Stretching in Place
Quarantine has been a great opportunity to stretch yourself mentally, physically, and culinarily. Here are some ideas for you.
Time and Place on a Plate
When you can get out into the world again, do so with new eyes. Seeing what is around you when you hunt, fish or gather can inspire beauty on the plate.
Wasting Less, Living Better
Being thrifty in these times is a necessity. Here’s how I stretch and innovate in the kitchen using what I have handy.
Support the Volunteers
In the garden, which for many of us is a place of solace these days, you will often find useful plants just growing, here and there. Consider supporting them.
Freezer Debris
When you can’t go to the store that often, you look into the depths of your freezer. Sometimes you don’t like what you see. Here’s how to deal with ancient frozen bits.
I am very sorry that your beloved kitty has passed on, we have our own “pet cemetery” out back… our 20-year-old Molly still has some great days, sometimes has a bad day, most are in the middle. She’s on high blood pressure medicine, can you believe that?!
I just wanted to share that the “stray” animals that a person/family “rescues”/adopts never forget that someone has given them a home and are very thankful. My first 2 cats were “store-bought”, but since then, “strays” or those born under someones porch have shared their love & affection with our family. If there’s a next cat/dog, it’ll be rescued from someone/somewhere, too.
I went from reading a great cooking method for bolognese/ ragu to crying at work.
We lost our elder cat to cancer last year and to this day, refer to him as our ‘sweet boy’. You rang a couple of bells for me.
Thanks and all the best
Thank you for sharing your recipes, your love, your sadness, your humanity-something our world really needs today more than ever, Hank! Bless you and yours, and above all, thanks for “keeping it real”!
Loved your article. In my mind I could picture the whole scene. The kitchen, the ache in your heart and the tears behind your eyes as you cook. I smelled your red gravy and felt your pain. Thank you for sharing this moment and the recipe.
So sorry for your loss…animals are such a comfort always and especially now. He’s now looking down on you and purring in the sky.
This was a touching and beautifully written piece. I’m so sorry for the loss of your cat. We rely so much on pets for comfort and comedic relief in times of turmoil. Sending positive vibes to you and yours!
Losing pet is difficult at best.
Sorry for your loss
David ( fellow Badger)
I’m sorry for your loss of Ragnar. I appreciate the beauty you’ve conveyed in the gentle act of his purring in your lap. Peace.
Dear Hank,
God bless you during this sad time in losing Ragnar. Our animal companions bring dimensions to our lives and hearts that other humans cannot. I always feel sorry for people who never have that special connection with an animal. I know part of your heart went with him, but he will always live on in your heart and your memories together. I know he’s in a good place but he sure will miss you and your cooking! Take heart. One day, when you scarcely expect it he may come walking back into your life once again. I’m sure he’s got some more of his eight lives left. It’s a terrible time to lose a friend, but we’re all thinking of you. Your brighten our days and give us always another recipe to relish the experience of creating. With thanks for what you share during the world’s difficult crises.
Lynell and my Saluki companion, Belinda, from Scotland
Dear Hank & family–love you all, love your story, & even though I’m primarily a “veggie” gal, I love your comforting, straight-from-the-heart, “soul-food from the woods” recipes–I can “tweak” them to fit my vegetarian lifestyle. I also totally mourn with you in the loss of a feline friend. I lost my Tigger one year ago on the same day–April 2nd–in the wee hours of the morning. He had seizures from November 2018 until 4/2/2019 when he crossed the Rainbow Bridge. Even though he got very skinny & couldn’t walk a straight line half the time, he would straddle my knees and let me hand feed him on his “good days”–when he could eat w/ no seizures. He’s not my first loss–had 13 precious “rescue” kitties at one time in my life–& a rescue dog–lost so many along the way–and lost a dear husband who loved his “babies”. Have been blessed w/ a wonderful new hubby of 5 yrs–but, also, recently “blessed” with more stray babies that need rescuing. In this Coronavirus infested world, wondering–how on earth can we take care of all of them??? Please keep sharing your inner thoughts (and recipes!)–too many people try to sugar-coat life–won’t face reality–unfortunately, we all have to “keep it real” right now, especially given the current situation. Life isn’t all “lolly pops”–sometimes you just have to face facts–& facts can hurt–like losing a beloved pet. It “ain’t” pretty–it’s just a fact. Sometimes sharing those unpleasant facts is the only way to cope. God bless you and your entire family.
lost a cat friend a few years ago
when he first came to me, I brought him home, he wouldnt come out from under the bed for 2 days. I made lasagna and that got him to come out. I was set to use fish the next day. turns out garfield has truth. thank you for sharing
will
Hank,
Nice recipe!
Very sorry for your loss 🙁
-Lou
Sorry for your loss. We also took in a big shaggy stray many years back, who sounds like a kindred gentle spirit with your Ragnar.
And, while my reaction to the current events mirrors yours in most ways, I find that the term “comfort food” takes on new meaning, not just the end product but the comfort taken in the process of making it. Your recipes in particular have been a blessing as I work through the fortunately ample supply of wild game in our freezer. Hang in there and keep them coming.
Hello Hank, I can so relate to losing a cat. My cat also is doing a slow decline and we are in the same ‘waiting’ mode. Being home every day all day seems to have staved it off a bit, but the decline is obvious. My heart goes out to you. Remember the sweet times he gave you. You have inspired me to make my own pasta. Thank you for your post.
I’m so sorry for your loss,
Both my grandparents are in hospital with covid battling pneumonia and I don’t feel it’s remotely wrong for you to love and grieve, I can’t imagine how we’d be if our dog died on top of everything.
Hank,
Sorry to hear about Ragnar. Having survived the passing of numerous childhood pets and guiding my girls through the loss of their pets growing up, I understand how tough it can be.
My best to you during this time. I am currently up in Maine spending three nights a week with my dad at my sister’s house, watching the storm roll across biddeford pool. I am optimistic that I can be getting some surf clams and steamers when my next shift with my dad arrives next wednesday.
Till then, be well and enjoy the red sauce.
As I am crying over the loss of Ragnar, so recently a member of your family, I too have had this experience often with my beloved pets. Presently, am relating especially close with a sick dog we’ve loved for almost 10 years, now with a failing heart. Your description of red sauce is a bright spot in these certainly troubled times. I thank you for that as well as the caring comments made by those posted here. Keeping connected to others does matter, especially at this time of loneliness. Take care and know others are understanding and share some of your emotions.
Don’t be sad think of all the lovely times you had with your cat, I am sure you will feel better. Take care during the lock-down. Antoinette
I’m sorry for your loss. Cherish the memories. Hopefully this time brings healing.
Rusty
Been There … Done That ? brick nose tabby guys … I’ve had 2 … or they had me ? They are my favorite cats ? Purrsonality Plus ? I am sad for you guys to lose your family member . Ragnar Great name for a big Tom ?? When a loved one leaves … two or 4 footed … one’s heart ? seems like this year … this season has been one of loss 🙁 Hang In There !!! (made Sicilian red comfort sauce the other day too … supposed to be gizzards but our kids ranch burger is so good. )
The hardest losses are those who unexpectedly sneak into our hearts. Farewell, Ragnar. You sound like an incredible sweet friend.
So sorry for your loss.
Hi. Loosing one of our fur babies is terrible; but think he now has no more pains and has gone over the rainbow bridge where he meets up with other ones. Now you have memories Of Ragnar that no one can take from you . When the sun goes down we always look for tomorrow’s sunrise – it can only get better and it will. Hugs and good wishes from an unknown friend. Btw, your Sugo con vino Rosso – superb. Ciao from nonna Uschi
I felt compelled to leave a comment after seeing your heartfelt and painful account regarding the loss of your cat and with your struggle that comes from the isolation from the virus. I was fortunate enough to meet you several years back when I drove up from Southern California to hunt with RJ for Sea Ducks and Geese. I don’t recall you to be a religious man, so I don’t want to moralize!
Rather, I would just like to remind you that what seems to come through in your work and life is love. Love of the outdoors, nature, and connecting with people to help them be their best seems to be a hallmark of yours. Now, this love appears to extend to pets and I am not surprised.
However, the problem with love is that you know you will eventually suffer for it. The hardest part is making sense and finding peace as you go through the ebb and flow between love and suffering.
The only unsolicited advice I can give is to ask for you to see through new eyes what your blog, essays, and passion for all things outdoors and cooking brings to people. You truly bring out the best in others and this no small feat in a world like ours since too few people use the avenues available to them to inspire others. I truly pray for you to find peace during this difficult moment and hope that you use this time to reflect on all the things you do have that maybe you need to see on a new light. You have amazing talent that enriches others, a great partner (who seems like a great photographer!), other pets, and the sun will set on this virus and the outdoors will beckon again.
Hey, Hank;
First, God Bless Ragnar, may he cross the “Rainbow Bridge” with STYLE and APLOMB, due to your family’s LOVE!
Lost a beauty of my own, a year and a half ago. Know what you are feeling…
Wanted you to know that I love your site, have referred it to friends, and others.
THANK YOU, for all you do for us, your readers!
God Bless, Ragnar!
Hank . . there is something quite special about cats one takes into their home, cats who are lost, abandoned or otherwise alone. My cat of 18 years was one of those. They appreciate your love and attention in a special way. A bond of trust transforms from just plain gratitude. It’s difficult to explain to folks who refuse to connect with felines. It’s been years since I had to send that beautiful vagabond on to her next journey. Yet, I still get choked up just thinking about that unavoidable day. Those foods that nourished us as children, handed down from our family and served with a lovely vino, are surely a comfort. Often I’ll be making something similar to this wonderful sauce you have here, or a traditional minestrone, and feel my Tuscan Mother’s spirit inhaling aromas with me in the kitchen. It’s bittersweet . . . and always will be. Buon Salute per tutti!
I sit here, weeping..for lovely Ragnar, for you, your family, our world, our friends, our enemies…for everything that is now. Peace, friend.
Sorry to hear about Ragnar. We’ve been through that a few times with our pets. We’ve got a 28 year old mare that we check every morning to see if she woke up.
My mother and sister are also pretty good with their awesome recipes being some of this and some of that and cook it for a while.
That said, please post a more detailed recipe for this sauce that we can successfully reproduce.
My heart bleeds with yours, Hank (actually my eyes do, too). It’s never “just a cat”. I’m the cat lady in the neighborhood. One of my ferals is on her way out with probably FIV and pneumonia. My heart bleeds for her too. She rattles when she breathes and is looking kinda ungroomed right now. She has had this cold for at least a year. I’m so sorry for your loss. Glad you still are motivated to cook. Routines are good for shortening the period of grieving. I hope you feel better soon.
Touching. I love your writing. We will all get through this together and your essays and recipes help!
Sorry to hear about Ragnar.
First of all, sorry for the lost of your beloved cat. I’m writing this with my dog snoring on the couch, against my hip. We grow damn fond of our furry friends…
What I find tough with social distancing is the fact that we have to do it… alone. Whenever we look at photos of the past, even in tough times, people where together. I saw a picture yesterday of ladies knitting in London’s underground shelter during a WW2 air raid. It was one of the worst page of England history, but they where together, doing simple things and sharing with each other. We, as human, are so gregarious it feel unnatural for us to stay away from each other for so long. I get on our nerves.
So reading how you prepare your “Italian” red meat sauce is so comforting. And funny to notice that it’s not that different from mine, which I learnt from my really-not-Italian mother, in Quebec City, Canada. In a way, I feel connected again. Thanks.
Hank – I know your pain all too well. Your words brought back memories of those special pets that are no longer with me. That pain we feel means that we are capable of sharing that love for them. But it doesn’t lessen the loss we experience when that time comes. My sincere thoughts and condolences are with you.
Hi Hank,
I cried to read about your dear cat. We had a close call with Borris the Beautiful last week. Thankfully he’s recovered but I feel for you. They are never “just cats”. They are lovely, friendly companions. I’ll be devastated when my boy goes.
Stay safe. I love your blog.
Regards from
Anne in Melbourne, Australia.
Greetings and best wishes from Australia. We are in lock down too. But at least the bushfires are out, we’ve had a bit of rain and the government says we can still go fishing (alone)!
That was a beautiful story/recipe.
I do something similar with kangaroo or venison. But always lots of parsley.
My heart hurts for your loss. It never gets easier and sometimes it is good to be uninspired and not motivated. The quiet time allows for reflection and reconnecting and grieving.
Miles, Betty and Lois, our cats extend their sympathy for your loss of Ragnar. I feel sorry for people who don’t like cats. They are not as overtly attentive as dogs. I have fun trying to get one of ours to acknowledge me when they’re staring off in the backyard or nowhere in particular. But there is nothing better in the past weeks than having one jump up and curl in your lap and go to sleep.
We made some killer homemade bolognese lasagna a few days ago and shared some with these homeless twin brothers who live in a van that we let park in our business parking lot in midtown the past few weeks–it’s a win-win–we have almost 24/7 security and they are safer the than they are parking on the street. I don’t know what was the best part–spending all day making the sauce, and the pasta and then assembling and cooking the lasagna when I’d normally be working and then having if for dinner that evening with a bottle of Carvahlo, or knowing that those two big guys really enjoyed it–they’re Italian and I’m not, but I think it was damn good. I hope you’re feeling better, Hank.
Un grande ragu’ Hank. I start with a soffritto of minced pancetta or guanciale or lardo and vegy. I must tank you for the nettle ravioli recipe.I added caramelized onions and served the ravioli with black olives and artichokes pesto. Super good.I had too much fillings and made lasagna alternating semolina noodles,tomato puree, olive/artichoke pesto,your nettles ravioli fillings and asiago cheese. Super good specially day later microwewed. Thanks to you Hank.I am sorry to ear about your pet loss.M i dispiace molto.Spero di leggere altre buone avventure la prossima volta.Until next CHEER Hank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey,
You are not alone! I just put my sweet Golden Retreiver down-Walker. One of the worst days of my life. (Last week)
We loved that dog like no other.
So, yes a very bad day. But today is better, and tomorrow even more better ?. Hang in there man! I’m going to make your sauce & hold up a glass of vino to cheers the life of a fine dog that was welled loved by all who met him, a dog who helped make 2 little boys grow up to be caring men, & a dog that would always wag his tail when others wouldn’t. I hope you do the same in memory of your cat.
Cheers!
Hank, you are a brilliant writer. This surely helped someone, and inspired me to take a first shot at home made red sauce and pasta. Sorry for your loss, the cat was purring because he was happy and exactly where he wanted to be most, and you gave him that.
Very sorry for your loss …… very sorry … (((
Gods speed to the great beyond Big Man Ragnar ………
Salute to Ragnar, Big Row, a/k/a Big Handsome. Thanks for what you do Hank. Thinking of you, stay safe.
Chris
Thank you for writing such an honest and beautiful post. If I can manage to get a grocery delivery — because sadly that’s what it’s come to for me — I’ll make the sauce and think of you, your cat, the animals and people I love, and try to momentarily forget everything else with the rest of the red wine that went into the sauce. … We will endure.
Thinking of you Hank here in Australia. I absolutely love your newsletter. I have tried a few of the receipts (sadly not with game) and really appreciate how well balanced, wholesome and yummy they are. Hang in there, these are dark times but they will end and there will be light on the other side.
A socially distant meow in Yuba City (a stone’s throw from Gray Lodge!) from Sweetie, Scabby Buster, Crusty Buster and Fatso Buster (the Buster Brothers). Just yesterday my son was lamenting over his lack of interest in the spring turkey hunt this year on the Bear River/Feather River confluence. 🙁
I try your recipes from time to time which make my GF and friends happy. Especially now. Hang in their. You are an inspiration.
There’s no such thing as “just a cat,” or dog or red-bellied newt or whoever our chosen family members are. They are family, regardless of species, and we mourn their loss, because we love them. Peace to you, Hank.
Dear Hank,
Good advice from Paul Davis. You sound down. This will pass. Hopefully we will learn something from it,and be stronger for it.
Your sauce is very similar to what my mother made. She wasn’t Italian either, but my father sure was, as you can tell from my name. I make this in large batches and can it. I make a simpler quicker sauce for week day meals. And yes, sometimes even make fresh pasta, All very satisfying.
Thank you for all the hunting, fishing and cooking stories.
Ciro Casa, Norwalk, Ct
Hank, I feel your pain. I have mourned the loss of every pet I’ve ever had as deeply as mourning a human, sometimes more so. It never gets easier. To some, they’re just animals, but to me, they’re family. I’ve always had dogs (too many to name) but now, I have a pair of cats, two brothers who as different in appearance as their namesakes, Simon and Garfunkel. Both are as friendly and animated as any dog I’ve ever had. We got them last summer, while my husband was undergoing chemo and radiation. Very dark times, that those two boys brightened immeasurably.
You came to your sauce recipe in much the same way I did, from my mom. We were originally from North Jersey as well and she, as Irish to the bone as anyone could be. Before she met my dad, she was engaged to an Italian guy whose mother taught her to make a really wonderful sauce; two of my aunts, both Italian, insisted hers was better than their family recipes. I’ve tweaked it over the years, but it still stays pretty true to her original recipe. Sometimes with ground meat, sometimes meatballs or sausage links, but still the same basic sauce.
These are seriously trying times. Having certain constants in our lives, even something as simple as making sauce or baking bread keeps me on a slightly more even keel.
This is the toughest time America has faced since the Great Depression. It is creating stress in us all. But, queue the light at the end of the tunnel speech…
our parents and grandparents made it through that and we can make it through this too. We Americans came from all over (every color, every religion, every creed), but we and an ancestors came here with grit and determination to thrive as individuals and live in liberty.
Hang tough. I own all three of your books and hope one day to get you to sign them. It would be an honor. I appreciate your posts/recipes/hunting tales & tips…all of it. I have about a gallon of black olives from our trees curing right now thanks to your article on oil curing. You are an inspiration. I feel you pain of impending loss. We lost our Springers last Summer, brother and sister rescues. They had long healthy and happy lives full of love and companionship but their bodies and minds just gave out. All of us have limited time the length of which none of us know. But your articles are an inspiration for many of us and make our lives much richer. Our community of hunters, anglers, gardeners, and cooks need your great recipes and uplifting tales now more than ever. You matter.
Hank,
Wishing you peace as Big Row’s time approaches. And no, it’s not “just a cat”. Other than the loss of my parents, the loss of true and loving companions, my cats, have been among the most painful times in my life.
The heart never forgets. The pain mellows over time. Blessings and hugs to you.
Julie
Great post hank. It helps.
To me it’s a grieving, and a sense of doom I think, of the real possibility – almost surety, of death and morbidity.
While unmitigated climate change holds a similar outcome, it is mostly longer term. This, is pretty immediate and probably the first time in our USA generation we are dealing with a real, acute, all encompassing problem, a threat to our lives, loved ones, and comfort here.
Your wonderful cat in his last part of life and your writing about it, just brings it all into more focus and out in the open. At the same time, because nature’s life and death, it’s workings, are so grounding to me presently, it’s relieving somehow to read your post and live making the wonderful sauce with you. Thanks ?
Thanks Hank. Our fur friends are precious to us. And the red sauce is divine.
Grateful for this piece today. It has a meditative quality that fits perfectly.
It is good and right to grieve a loss, including a cat. Anticipatory grief is real.
I work in a hospital, so I’m busy overall. Today is my day off though, so I’m going fishing. Being outside helps me with the doldrums and tiredness, and if I get some fish to bring home all the better.
Take care, brother, and manage your news intake. I’m afraid it’s easy (and unhealthy) to overload on bad news we can do nothing about, especially right now.
Grateful for you.
Thank you for your honesty, Hank. ((Sterilized hugs))
Reframing: the virus to “the pause” helps me. Knowing that FINALLY nature is getting a bit of a break from our species fills me with joy.
Hearing that I’m not the only one struggling with this drastic & surreal lifestyle change is a true comfort. I often feel I’m failing at “doing”(?!) the pandemic (sounds like the worst dance move ever). P.s Very sleep deprived. Going to go harvest pine resin
Huggggg, be safe
You’re a terrific writer…I relate very much to your comments of being unmotivated…cooking definitely helps me through rough times.
Thank you for this. It’s hard for us to admit that we’re not doing well. And yes cooking helps. Love to you and your family as you grieve.
Always love your stories, this one made me cry.
I’m from Philly, so I understand the red sauce comfort thing and I’ll be cooking yours soon. I also lost my awesome old cat just before the pandemic hit, so I very much get your pain. Thanks for writing so honestly and beautifully.
So very sorry you are in the end days f your beautiful friend Ragnar .. I have a shorthair Tabby .. Purr Purr .. He means the world to me. Keep cooking and putting out your wonderful dishes. We have a hunting lodge where I am the cook; your recipes are wonderful.
Haven’t read your recipe yet but wanted to let you know I understand how difficult it is to lose a feline friend. Thru circumstance I found myself the owner of 4 non-litter mate cats, all about the same age. Now about 17, Stew is my only cat. It’s a hard, painful road to lose these old friends. With each loss the household dynamic has changed. Lost one of them 2 months after my husband passed away. It has been suggested that I adopt some new kitties but I’ve decided to let him be an only cat for now. He obviously needs it. And so do I.
Thanks for sharing your story
PS Ragnar resembles my 1st cat, Brfrd. Joined me in college (literally) in the early 70’s & moved with us from Seattle to San Jose to Portland. Good cat who sulked when a stray adolescent red setter adopted us. Brfrd lived 18 great years.
Hank – Thanks for sharing. So sorry to hear about your old Ragnar. Everyone throughout the world is feeling about the same, and waiting for normal times to return. The variable is when…. will it be 2 weeks, 2 months or even a year or two? Hopefuly not!
Daughter down east mentioned that their dairy farm (120 holsteins) and themselves are in a strict isolation – only family permitted in barn and milking parlour – absolutely no non-family members nor hired hands permitted on premises and only person driving in and out is milk tanker truck doing pickup. Even their vet will only visit if a real emergency requires it. For her family only she goes out to do food and supplies shopping. Hand sanitizer for hands and her gloves before going into store and upon leaving the gloves are trashed. Products are sprayed or wiped down before entering residence. Her specific sweat suit outfit and jacket goes into wash and she changes into her regular every-day living clothes. All of them have another set of clothes to change into and out of for barn work. They and all other dairy producers in North America are following the same procedures. If any of the cattle become infected, the results would be horrendous. So this covid thing is hitting everyone very hard. It’s very difficult to think that some people still consider the isolation and extra safety precautions are not needed and are overkill. Quite scary when you realize that some of those same people are charged with determining levels of medical equipment to be bought/allocated to various states/provinces.
Best regards,
Robert Stockwell, Sundre, Alberta, Cda T0M 1X0
Thanks for this. This isn’t an easy time, and it’s oddly comforting to know others are struggling with all of this, too. I’m sorry about Ragnor, too.
Beautiful post Hank. I really enjoyed the read. Stay as busy as you can. Make a list like I do and stare at it. Love your recipe and details. Mine is quite a bit less involved. I’m inspired by your account to take it to the next level. Love you and all that you stand for. paul davis, bessemer, al
I am a new fan. I read everything on line and the other day I came across the name of the bourbon you recommended and for the life of me I cannot find it again. Would you please tell me the name of the bourbon you used so I can make the duck recipe. I also bought the Duck Duck Goose book and now I have plenty of time to experiment with the recipes. I have 5 ducks in the freezer so I can’t wait to start cookin. Did you happen to see the movie Duck Duck Goose? It’s one of my favorites.
Thanks for introducing me to Bill Evans. As I read your post and I type this, he is playing over the speakers. Looking forward to trying this recipe, enjoying the spoils and better times! May the peace of the Lord be with you and yours.
All italians loves The Great Hank Shaw for his art and love for his pets.Bravo Hank sei forte,il piu bravo di tutti.Thanks for your compassion for animals. In bocca al lupo…….buona fortuna a te e alla tua famiglia and pets.
Hang in there Hank.
This should be in a national publication.
Lovely. Thank you for being so honest about your mood, and thank you for sharing the recipe. And just for the record… Black Mood, Red Sauce would be a pretty fabulous name for an instant cookbook right about now. Fifty Recipes to Comfort Your Soul or something like that.
????
Hi Hank,
I’ve not always had time to read your posts but I am very glad I did so today. First and foremost, thank you for taking in Big Row so that he had someone to love him during the past 18 months, and now someone who cares about the fact that his life is coming to a close and will miss him when he is gone. (Clearly his previous human abandoned him.) My husband and I have had many cats over the course of our 20 year marriage, all rescues, and it never gets easier to have to say goodbye. I hope you can take comfort in the simple fact that Big Row has had a safe and warm place to sleep, enough to eat, and love surrounding him. That is all he ever needed. He is a very lucky cat to have found his way to you. Bless you.
Your deep sadness came through loud and clear as I sat here reading with teary eyes and understanding … all things will come to pass… eventually. A reminder that we, within ourselves need to go on, to help ourselves, our neighbour and our loved ones… Fight the fight… I believe we will survive and so will you. God bless you and your family… Stay safe and healthy! I need you too…like so many other of your recipients. Because every email I get from you… sends me onto a journey of new discovery… of flavours, taste… and best of all… feeling good in the accomplishment! God Bless!
In these difficult times, family and good food will help us to continue on. Not always joyfully, nor with large movement. Just one step and one meal at a time. Comfort in flavor, color, aroma, texture and red wine. We share your grief and recipes; they are an integral part of the current economy.
Mr Shaw:
Commenting is not in my nature but as we are currently living in new and weird times , vocalizing and maintaining the connections that link us all seems more important than ever. I am truly sorry for the heartache and sadness of Ragnar’s fading life . The bonds and friendships that we have with our pets is unique and individual to each one. While it may be unknown if they ever fully understand how much joy, solace and love they inspire within us , I have absolutely no doubt that they are fully aware of how much we care about them.
Whatever these last days may bring health and behavior wise, I hope you realize that you brought, and continue to bring , the best version of life he could have had.
Your recipes, adventures and love of food & the outdoors has brought countless opportunities of enjoyment to me and all of your followers and supporters. Let that passion comfort you during this dark time. I thank you and wish you and yours the very best.
Thank you for sharing your heart and recipes. They soothe us all.
Friends come in all shapes, sizes and species. I lost a goat around Christmas time and I’m still broken up about that. Thanks for all the great tips. Made my first homemade noodles last night, now I have the sauce plan to match.
Until I read this piece of yours I wasn’t sure why I was standing in front of a huge pot of red gravy big enough to feed 10 and I’m the only one here. Me and two cats. These are epic times and losing a pet on top of all the uncertainties is a heavy burden. It’s the price we pay to love. In the mean time I’ll pray, cook, eat (South Dakota sharp tail ragu tomorrow) and drink homemade cherry wine. Keep the stories coming Hank. I need it.
Really feeling for the world right now, you included. Thanks for the description of the red sauce. Next rainy day that might be a great thing to have simmering while I attempt to work from home. I’ve been hanging on to the last package of venison burger from my 2018 buck and that might be just the thing to use it in. Stay well!
Thank you for sharing Hank. Please know you are not alone in your reaction to this situation. It is scary and each day there is more for us to have to absorb. Your share inspired me to make sauce tomorrow ( have to take the venison out of the freezer). I too find some assemblance of sanity in the process of a good red sauce. I feel your pain about Ragner. My animals are my family. I have lost them before, but right now the thought of losing any of them feels like it would be a double punch in the gut. Try and get outside and get fresh air. I have been working from home all week, but I am going to take a drive in the country this weekend to clear my head even though I know it will only be temporary I’ll take it. Stay safe and be healthy.
Your article “Black mood Red sauce” is absolutely brilliant and touches my heart. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. You brought tears to my eyes this morning. A mix of memories of my Nana’s red sauce and feelings of my own sadness over this whole situation. It helps to know we are not alone. We are all feeling the same. My prayers are with you and I hope that Ragnar passes peacefully and will be happy again at the Rainbow Bridge waiting for you.
Hang in there Hank! Better days are coming.
Hank, one of yourbest! Here is something to cheer you up, an Italian Nonno from your original neck of the woods trying to pronounce Worcester Sauce
https://youtu.be/YwTT8YQFJDQ
(Watch his video on makings tomato sauce)
Hank, I appreciate your emotions during this tough time with your fur friends and the world as a whole! I’ve lost a couple fur friends of late and also a few human friend as well of late. The human spirit will prevail and your work and writings are important to many of us. Thanks for sharing all that you do and educating us. I use your recipes and learnings all the time! You fill a void that other chefs and hunters have never been able to do. Carry on, my fellow Badger friend!
Thanks for sharing. I’ve felt strangely guilty. I have a freezer full of meat, a strong vegetable garden, and the knowledge of how to cook it. I realized I’m a prepper without knowing it.
I have been baking and now avoiding the news on purpose.
The beautiful melancholic Bill Evans, red sauce, and red wine … I’m there. Even those last slow purrs are to be cherished albeit painful. Take care and know your presence is appreciated from afar!
Love your stuff, and I agree with the sentiment, for sure. But man, this is a depressing post.
Thanks for sharing Hank. We are all Hunkered in our homes. Cooking our way through the freezer stocks. Losing friends is not good, species doesn’t matter. Take care stay healthy.
Lovely post! Hang in there and stay well. Just lost my 16-year-old girl Lassie a few months ago. She died a good, brave death at home. Now she’s under the compost pile. Homemade pasta. Will make tonight, and dry some fresh oregano from the garden today and forage for the rest of the ingredients. Nothing beats a red sauce in times of trouble.
Thanks for sharing Hank. We all needed that one. Forwarding to the family. Cooking from the freezer stock through this thing as we are Hunkered in our homes.
Thank you Hank. I’ve began following you when my neighbor dropped off some spectacular venison and you had shared some great recipes. Never felt the need to chime in, just grateful you were there, but today aside from the delicious recipes, I wanted to let you know how much your writing about your cat and humanity has deeply touched me. A pause and reset that I know I am beginning to feel. When we come through to the other side let’s have the concept of compassion not be forgotten.
The only thing getting me by is faith, family, trout, and whiskey.
I made pasta for the second time in my life the other day. Turned out ok. Gonna make it again soon inspired by your red sauce recipe .
Cat’s are good friends, I have one that sleeps on me some nights. A good friend indeed. Think about the life you gave that cat (second life) and how good that was for both of you. Tough times all around, be strong, this too shall pass, and it is spring.
Peace,
Bob Mooney
Hang in there and thank you for this post
We miss out lives too. Jeffrey drove down to Fort Baker to see if the boat ramp was open. Two rangers, two answers. Girl said “Yes, you gotta eat” Boy said “No”. We might take our chances. Sailboats were out frolicking. Private docks I guess.
Hank, your post today really resonated with me. Things suck now. It’s a particularly hard time to lose an animal companion. I know all too well how painful that is … I’ve gone through it twice, and it is gut-wrenching. My deepest sympathies.
I too am having a not great time … I see all these posts about how people are trying to be uber-productive with the time they have at home. Me, not so much. My piano is sitting untouched (so much for mastering that Beethoven sonata); the chores around the house that need doing take a Herculean effort to finish. I *did* manage to spend sometime in the garden yesterday … it was (finally) sunny here in Toronto, and not too cold. My yard is enclosed on every side, so it’s a perfect (and perfectly safe) space to spend time outside, even if it’s only 1000 sq. feet. Though the allure of cleaning up fallen leaves and dead plant stems waned after about 2 hours.
And don’t get me started on the extra “nips” from the booze bottle. We’re trying to discipline ourselves, but at a certain point, it starts to feel like that Peggy Lee song … “If that’s all there is my friends … let’s break out the booze, and have a ball”.
Anyway, your description of red sauce has inspired us . Unfortunately, we’ve no game in the freezer; but we do have plenty of beef and various porky cuts … so this is what we’re going to do today. I might even bust out the pasta machine. Good sauce needs good noodles.
As a friend of mine says, “keep your pecker up” …
Glad Ragnars final years were with you. Bet he is, too. No such thing as “just a cat” in my opinion.
I’ve been making lots of red food as well- meat sauce, the one I usually make is more like your lasagna sauce, jambalaya, chilindron is next….
Sorry your mood is in the dumps. Make sure you keep getting outside! I managed to get out fly fishing in Wisconsin yesterday and it was glorious. The freedom that comes from open spaces is essential right now. Keep a steady dose of it in your system.
Take care, stay healthy.
Great read. Thank you for writing it. I wish you the best of luck.
Hank during these trying times your words are a calming factor when i read them and also sends home the fact that we all are going through this together… I hope your cat Ragnarok holds on for your sake but if he doesnt i pray he goes peacefully and you realize he is in no more pain or soreness for his advanced years..
Although it might be hard to write sometimes, please dont stop..i dont think you realize just how many people you touch…
Great post Hank. Thank you.
I feel you, friend. Thank you for putting into words a great emotion. And thank you for telling me about Bill Evans. I hope you and yours are well and safe. Looking forward to your next adventure.
I don’t know if this will help, Hank, but I completely understand how you feel regarding your cat. My 14-year old labrador retriever is laying next to me this morning, waiting for his walk. He has had some health setbacks lately, and I don’t know how long he will be around either, but he still wants to go for his daily walks, even though they are shorter now. With regard to the coronavirus stuff, the news is indeed hard to listen to. I am trying to get some separation from it by starting the annual job of getting my vegetable garden ready for planting. Turning over the rich black soil, smelling the earth, and thinking about what and where I will plant this year, is a job I look forward to each year with great anticipation. That helps take my mind off all the other bad news we are bombarded with each day lately. The other thing that helps is cooking great meals from all the high-quality food we have stored in our freezers and pantry. Like you, we have plenty of wild game meats, canned or frozen garden vegetables from last year, dried herbs, dried foraged mushrooms, and lots more. We also have plenty of wine, made from wild fruits I harvested last year. So, I take some satisfaction that we have prepared, at least to some extent, for an event like this. It makes me even more motivated to get out there this year in the garden and the woods to do it all again this year.
Beautifully written. I, too, have taken to cooking these days. I am too distracted to do good work, so I’m filling the bellies of my family.
Sorry for your pending heartbreak. I like to think that all my animal brothers and sisters will be waiting for me when it’s my turn.
Food, especially comfort food we grew up with has a great calming affect. Making it ourselves only amplifies that.
Sending love and hugs from England, your sauce is very similar to mine, but I’m going to give yours a try in a day or two. Stay safe during these frightful times.
Give Ragnar a tickle under the chin from us ?
Love this article. Yes, it’s a cat, but they are our family. I know what you mean. One of my cats is only about 4 or 5 (rescued from our daughter’s friend’s uncle who died suddenly) and she is so sweet. She went through this lethargic phase and wasn’t eating, took her to the vet, she got better, and now she’s slinking and hiding again. And yes,spaghetti sauce is the great healer! My mom was from Texas, and her sauce had some chili powder in it. It’s not hot, and it just gives a subtle, earthy balance to it.
Take care, and hang in there. You inspire us all!
Shannon
thanks Hank,i’m in jersey too just waiting like you.hoping to get a line into the surf real soon(as long as the beach is open).like you i find cooking and eating is comforting.love your post, now let me get back to making stuff artichokes.thanks again for a reality check!
Hang in there Hank. Bless the cat that brings you so much warmth and love. His job is done. It is time for him to rest, peacefully. Knowing that he was loved by a wonderful person.
I’m sorry to hear about your cat. I can completely relate to your pondering of his existence in your life. Staying indoors for those who are accustomed to being outdoors is tough, but adjustments can be made, but my advice is never to get “too” comfortable with that which is uncomfortable. Have a good day.
Hi Hank –
I hear you. You do a nice job with your postings and I feel like I’m there with you. I’m sure our predecessors had challenges and trials too but this ranks way up there with some of the worst and special issues that we all have to deal with don’t help. There’s nothing wrong with going back to doing things that are familiar, that give us pleasure, that we’ve done countless times before. I think it’s a good way of re-centering ourselves and validating the internal compass we all have.
Thanks for honestly sharing some of your struggles – and as always, for the wonderful food posts.
Take care.
Dear Hank, I am so sorry to hear the new about Ragnar. They are are dear friends, always there for us. Keeping you in my thoughts. I know just how difficult this time is for you.
When a friend showed up at our door with venison, I was baffled. What do I do with this I thought. Found you on the internet and you have been my guide! Thank you! Now your recipe for New Jersey Red Sauce sounds like a plan for today.
Be well and stay safe! You are loved by many!!
Hank, I’m sorry for the impending loss of your friend; losing a beloved pet is a terrible thing to go through—even harder during times like these. I appreciate your posts.
Oh my heart goes out to you. I can feel your sadness. Thank you for this recipe. Grow some sprouts. It’s good to see growth and it is nourishing.
Thank you for the recipe and the writing.
While many people are suffering and loved ones dying it does not diminish how you feel about your little buddy.
I have an old man who is dying as well he has bone cancer. He has lasted much longer than we thought but it I fear it is coming to an end.
At any rate I don’t feel he is just a cat. They are our friends. Loyal, always there for us friends.
Thanks Hank,
I have been following you for a while and I enjoy your commentary as much as your recipes. We are in a difficult time and I too find myself cooking more than normal. My freezer is getting full of soups and emptier of pheasant, quail and duck. I am grateful for a small aquaponics system that provides me with fresh vegetables.
Our pets are family and they bring such more depth to the life we live. As you say goodbye to Ragnar may you be filled with the blessings of good memories giving you hope for a better time in the future.
Hank,
Great post. I can relate as I grew up on Long Island and my Mom was Italian. My equivalent of your red sauce is the one she made on many Sundays – and it took all day. Hers had both sausage (sweet, never hot) and meatballs (with raisins in them) in it
. Over the years, my version has evolved somewhat and, like yours the meat in it reflects what I have on hand. This week, given the abundance of time I have on my hands, I made the sausage from scratch using pork shoulder and lots of fennel. Other times, it will include whatever game meat I have on hand.
As I say, this has been my go-to comfort sauce for my entire adult life and making it always brings me back to my Mom’s kitchen. Especially if Frank Sinatra or Tony Bennett happens to be playing in the background. However, my wife and I recently traveled to Italy (pre COVID-19 thankfully) and took a cooking class from a wonderful chef in Bologna. There I learned to make a classic ragu (what folks outside Bologna would call Bolognese) with ingredients very similar to those in your sauce with the notable addition of carrots. It does not take too long to pull together, but needs to simmer a couple of hours and we were admonished that it is always better served the next day. And best served with homemade flat noodles such as the tagliatelle in your picture.
After reading your post, I feel another sauce coming on…
Made me cry. I feel your pain loosing an animal is loosing a family member. So sad for you. I understand cooking certain dishes to lift your heart. Cooking is how we show our love.
I believe we are all having feelings of anxiety and moments of doubt during the uncertain nature each day brings. Thoughts of our loved ones, future plans, financial burdens are straining our mental and physical capacity. This is why people like you are so important to others. I first found out about you Hank a few years ago. I had some game meat and looked up recipes and found Buck buck moose. I was thrilled, it made me feel like a chef! From soaking the dried chilli’s in coffee (I’d always walked past in the grocery store aisle wondering ” what do they use those for?”) to taking the marrow out of the bones. One of your best gifts is to get others motivated about food! YOU have created a whole bunch of new “Chefs” eager to tackle recipes that would never have entered their world. I can’t tell you to “buck it up”…these times are truly challenging. I can say, that it is people like you that make these times easier for others.
Thank you! Gonna’ try duck this weekend!
Jim
Thanks for sharing. I understand completely. Take care
I’m so sorry about Ragnar. I have what the vet refers to as a “senior cat” myself, and it will be very hard when it’s his time. I hope the red sauce and pasta were soothing.
I am so sorry that on top of all that is going on you face the loss of a friend and member of your family. No, he is not just a cat any more than my dog is just a dog. Thank you for this meditation as that is what it is. I’m from New Jersey myself and there is nothing like a simmering pot of “gravy” cooking on the stove for hours. We will all get through this together, one day at a time.
Hang on in there, Hank. We’ll get through this – you eat an elephant one bite at a time. Thank you for taking the time to commit this recipe to type. It looks amazing. With love from a Brit living in France.
Hang in there Hank. For me, getting outside and getting some vigorous exercise helps immensely.
Here’s to Ragnar, garlicky red ragu “gravy” sauce, homemade (or at least al dente) pasta, a bottle of red, good memories, and time.
Thanks.
Amazing.
Hank, He’s not JUST a cat!! Feel your pain and mourn. It’s good for the soul. .. Hurts like hell, but good for the soul. Hang in there! Much love to you and Holly.
Thank you for this. Please know that the world is better for your being in iy and doing what you do.
My deepest regrets for your fading friend.
Awww Hank I’m so sorry your going through this especially at such an emotional anxiety ridden time. Homemade pasta does help and your wise to stay busy with your hands. I just started making home made pasta and it’s been very therapeutic. Animals hold such a special place in our hearts. I pray you feel at peace today and that your heart is comforted knowing your readers care. This time shall pass until then we will all limp through it. Blessings.
Thank you. A very poignant read. We are watching your pain from the other side of the world and wish everyone would just get better soon.
By the way, try a teaspoon of nutmeg next time: it adds a lovely depth to your ragu x
We just made some of our own red sauce- tomatoes we grew last year and cook down and add sausages or clams, depending. It is a worrisome time so it tastes just right. And of course you love your handsome fella- he has been there for you, and you for him. My two felines, best friends really, are on my bed and I love them too. Wishing happy thoughts later for you!
Wonderfully and honestly written, Hank. Thank you.
Best wishes to you, your family, friends, and Ragnar.
I’m sorry about your friend. My garage cat is my friend. He has knots in his stomach and vet not seeing anyone now due to the virus. I just pray for him, yes, yes I do. Have another drink and try to keep positive. I am so glad I subscribed with you!!! Love your stories and recipes. From a hunter, fisher, cook and Gardner myself. I’ll pray for you and your friend. Looking forward to your next article/recipe. ??
Well written article brother. I will use the recipe and it’s not just a cat. My wife and I have two dogs and a cat, they are replacements for pets and friends gone by. Those that take the time to get to know their pets, they all have different personalities, they will grieve also when they pass away. Salute Ragnar!
Excellent to read on this calm New Jersey morning as I am feeling the same way. It was all I could do to muster up the feeling to set snapper turtle traps yesterday for the opener and then I made your Chilindron with venison for comfort. My girlfriend and I washed it down pretty much in silence with Rioja as suggested. And at least the state is opening trout season 10 days early to encourage distancing so that’s something to do. You, Holly and the critters stay well Hank. Sorry to hear about Ragner.
Thank you for being open, and honest, and sharing. I’m so sorry about your kitty.
It’s appears you have found everything life from this world. You have an endearing family who taught how to cook. You absorbed that became a hunter and used what you gathered. What a blessing. Now this virus has stopped the world we have become encapsulated into a home to stop this epidemic. And so have you. Sorry about your cat.
Do you know that Jesus loves you? Have you accepted Jesus into your heart? You have ‘conquered’ the world in a manner of speaking. How about a new adventure of meeting the Lord and continuing the tour venture with the Lord in your heart and mind.?
Thanks for this Hank
Your story, as always, is a good one, perfect for these sombre times. Stay well, safe and as happy as a great sauce can make you.
Your sauce looks yummy though I am not too high on oregano or thyme for red sauce. I prefer basil, fennel seeds, dried chili peppers, and plenty of minced shallots. A bit of very thin julienne carrots and celery along with a teaspoon or two of demurara sugar to sweeten it a bit.
Marvelous voice, rhythm, flow, persona, or whatever the ingredients are that are required for good writing.
I am sorry to hear about Ragnar.
Hi Hank-
Thanks for sharing. Such at time isn’t it? I too am a Cat person and I can clearly recall my losses as if they happened yesterday. Cherish your friends while you can.
I’m with you with everything you’re saying and thinking right now. Not as intimate to your personal relationships with family, cats and Ragnar. But we all carry similar stories and just the telling and cooking in your case helps the healing.
Thank you live safe.
You’ve got me in tears Hank. Beautiful writing. Give Ragnar a tickle from me and enjoy your wine.
Best wishes now and days to come. Heading up the Apalachicola River with a friend and 100+ crickets cane poling the lily pads and bulrushes fo4 shell crackers and anticipating a fish fry someday soon! GladI found you or you found me. Working my Spring and Summer garden preps more today also.